Saving Marriage in a Throw Away Society

I believe there comes a time in every marriage when you look at your spouse and ponder, "what the hell was I thinking?"

Staying married is at times so much work. It can feel like an easy solution to head for divorce. In a society which seems to value easy and new can a marriage be saved when it's teetering? 

There was a time, not too long ago, that marriage was considered a lifetime commitment. Leaving your spouse was not an easy act. 

Marriage was a thought of as a serious endeavor. Marriage created stable families. It was the foundation of society.

Now, every state except NY has some type of no fault divorce. If one spouse wants out, all they have to do is say the word. In most states, partners aren't even required to get counseling. How do you go about saving marriage in this environment?

There are many reasons that a person feels like they want a divorce ranging from miscommunication to cheating. If a part of you still wants the marriage to work, there are exercises you can do as an individual or as a couple to increase your love, trust and intimacy in the hopes of staying together. 

First, you need to realize that a marriage can be saved, even if only one partner wants it. However, if you are the one who wants to save the marriage, you need to realize that you are going to have to do most of the work, which can feel like a monumental task.

So, if you are the one who wants to save the marriage, you are going to have to do the heavy lifting. Here’s how to go about saving marriage when yours is on the rocks:

1.) Recognize that your spouse had valid concerns when he or she asked for the divorce. Work on addressing those concerns. Make the time for each other to share the issues without becoming defensive. Try to hold a neutral position when listening or listing the problems. 

2.) Know that your spouse has a lot invested in the relationship. Use that investment to rebuild the marriage. Your spouse (and you) will probably have second thoughts about leaving from time to time. Give him or her every reason to stay. 

3.) Watch your reaction. Sometimes, the partner who's reluctant to split might pester the divorcing partner to hash out relationship problems. But hey, give them some emotional breathing room. If they need space, show some love and let them express what they're feeling.

4.) Lower your expectations. I once asked a woman with 45 years of marriage the secret to success. She told me "You have to put up with a lot of bullshit" Saving marriage requires that you don’t look for perfection in everything. If he or she has flaws(we all do!), now is not the time to point them out. If they do things that get on your nerves, try to see things from their perspective and learn to live with it. 

 

5.) Ask your spouse if they would be willing to seek a professional. Taking your problems to a counselor could have great benefits. It can help see things through the other person's perspective. They might be able to create a plan of action for working on the damaged relationship. 

6.) Have fun. Saving marriage is a serious business. But, if you make the repair process too intense, life will feel so heavy and you might make your spouse retreat. Instead, suggest that you together do the things you both find fun. When you can reconnect in the small ways, the big things will take care of themselves.

Finally, recognize that we live in a culture where saving marriage is not considered sophisticated. But, you know deep down, that your marriage is very important and it is well worth saving.